Dear French Nation!

 Shalom!

 As a Jew, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I would
 like to thank your President Jacques Chirac for saying that Israel needs
 to be convinced that peace is better than war.

 Never mind that peace (shalom in Hebrew) is the most common word in
 Jewish prayers. That it is endlessly repeated in synagogues, when greeting
 or taking leave, when getting up or going to bed. Never mind that shalom
 (peace) is mentioned 77 times in the Torah, and 275 times in the Jewish
 Bible (The Old Testament of Christians.)

 Never mind that of all the world's literature, the United Nations chose to
 inscribe the words of Israel's prophet Isaiah on the wall across from its
 building in New York. Here are these words, "and they shall beat their
swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks: nation shall
 not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any
 more." Never mind that these words are said in every synagogue at nearly
 every assembly, and that peace is called "God's greatest gift."

 Therefore, the President of the nation that still venerates general
 Napoleon would do better teaching cows how to make milk, or teaching
 grass how to grow quietly than teaching Jews (Israelis) that peace is
 better than war. Thank you, Jacques Chirac, for informing me about the
 encyclopedic extent of your ignorance.

 I would like also to thank the unnamed cinema near the Paris Opera for
 canceling a screening of the "Harry Potter" film for Jewish kids. But I
 am even more grateful to the police of Paris, which has failed to provide
 protection for these kids. Apparently Jews of any age are no longer
 guaranteed complete equality with the rest of the population. France was
 the first country in Europe to offer Jews this guarantee, and now it is
 apparently also the first to revoke it.

 I congratulate your great Nation for keeping up at the forefront of
 progress, no matter in which direction progress turns. And how can I
 not mention the doctorate degree in history, which was offered to
 Mustafa Talas  (who just happens to be Syria's Foreign Minister) by
 the Sorbonne (University of Paris)?

 The Honorable Doctor Talas has written a book on the Damascus Blood
 Libel of 1840, in which he claims that Jews kill Christians to obtain their
 blood for Passover. A true genius of historical science is Mustafa Talas,
 and certainly worthy of the Sorbonne. I am infinitely glad that good old
 blood libels (perhaps the most imaginative product of European
 civilization), nearly forgotten in the last 50 years, are being revived in
 French academic circles.

 You French are just wonderful: not only do you keep at the foreskin of
 progress, but also revive ancient traditions. (The Damascus Blood Libel
 started with disappearance of Father Thomas, a Franciscan superior. The
 French consul accused a group of rabbis and other Jews of ritual murder
 and extracted a "confession" by torture in which one of the victims
 died. Pogroms followed throughout the Middle East. The consul then
 requested permission from Mahamet Ali to kill the rest of his
 suspects. Others, including sixty children, were arrested and starved to
 convince their parents to confess. The charges were dropped when Sir
 Moses Montefiore, Adolphe Cremieux and Salomon Munk intervened
 on behalf of the Jews.)

 I also cannot forget the events of October 2000, with synagogues
 firebombed and burned, Jewish worshipers attacked and stoned. I know
 that President Chiraq spoke out against all this, saying that this is not
 what he meant when he criticized Israel. Well, as English playwright
 Shakespeare said, "Methinks the Lady doth protest too much." The
 President's criticisms of Israel had been (and remain) so extensive, so
 common and so unforgiving, that I cannot possibly believe him. The
 events of October 2000 reflect exactly what he meant.

 And if there is any doubt about it, your ambassador to the United
 Kingdom Daniel Bernard has cleared it up. Not only did he call Israel
 "that shitty little country," (quite a polite and diplomatic fellow is
 Daniel Bernard, is he not?) but he also ante-factum (before the fact)
 blamed the Jewish people for starting World War Three. My greatest
 gift of gratitude, therefore, goes to him.

 He has discovered in me (after all, I belong to "those people") a
 horrifying quality of causing world wars, a terrible character flaw about
 which I hitherto had been completely unaware. He has also forewarned us
 of our pre-assigned guilt.

 I would like to inform you that I have decided to join the campaign
 against France. I will not visit or fly through France and its colonies of
 Guadeloupe, Martinique, and St. Pierre. That I will also boycott all
 products made in France, including perfume and cosmetics industry,
 designer fashion labels, French wines, chocolates, etc. That I will use
 my money to buy Israeli products, and travel to Israel and other
 countries who still think that Jews are human and should not live at the
 mercy of Palestinian terrorists. I will also contact all the people I know
 and try to get them to do the same.

 Let it be a humble manifestation of my gratitude.

 Sincerely,
 David Tsal
 Shalom!