Hey what do you want from us?

We are the good people. We are the liberals. We are the progressive American Jews. We love puppies and peace and justice for all and equality.

We are the people who struggle for social justice. We operate social action committees at our temples. We battle against prejudice. We promote gay marriages. We recycle.

We are the ones who teach that all of Judaism is the Ethics of the Prophets, and that the Ethics of the Prophets are basically Tikkun Olam, and that Tikkun Olam is the promotion of the liberal political agenda. Hell, we even call ourselves those who practice Liberal Judaism. For Liberal Jews, Judaism is essentially affirmative action for black folks. It is income redistribution and welfare rights. It is feeding the homeless derelicts and addicts. It is AIDS walks. It means ensuring a true Jewish education by opposing school vouchers and demanding that all Jews send their children to public schools, except in really bad neighborhoods where they can go to Quaker or Unitarian schools.

We are progressive people. We do not get hung up on "kitchen Judaism". We seek out the essence of Judaism, which is social justice. We join the Bnai Brith and the ADL and the AJC and other groups because they promote our enlightened liberal agenda.

Naturally we love Israel and admire her courage. Of course we do not approve of everything Israel does and disagree with her policies. We think that Bill Clinton (click photo) and Jimmy Carter had the right idea. 

Those Israelis are too chauvinistic. Too obstinate. Too closed-minded. Not like us. They have a Holocaust Complex, a ghetto mindset. Not like us.

We are beautiful people. Moral people. We read the New York Times. We have been demanding for decades that the path to peace is for Israel to recognize the Palestinians and negotiate with them. After all, we are liberals. We understand Palestinian suffering. Palestinians are just people. Like us. They love their children and families, and want a good life. Why can't the Israelis be like us and understand this?

Obviously there is no military solution to the Palestinian conflict. Two states for two peoples. Get those damn settlers to leave. They embarrass us.

We insisted years before the 1993 Oslo Peace Accords that the only path to peace is mutual recognition. Israel has to turn over Palestinian lands to a Palestinian state. Just ask Bill Clinton and David Saperstein. Only then can mutual respect emerge. We have insisted so for years. But for so long, those closed-minded obstinate Israelis refused to accept our counsel. Probably because of those horrid medieval Orthodox people, their backwards ways and their abuse of the political system. Hell, they will not even accept marriages and conversions performed by our Liberal Reform and Reconstructionist Rabbis!! They are trying to return Israel to the Middle Ages and need to be stopped!!

But we tried to teach the Israelis enlightenment. We demanded that they solve their problems with the Arabs through compromise. Peace before Land and Land for Peace. We were the true inspiration for Oslo. The Oslo promoters were just taking OUR advice!!

When the Oslo people imposed the Peace Process on Israel, when they imported Yasir Arafat and the PLO into the occupied territories, we cheered. At long last, those backward Israelis had accepted our learned counsel and enlightened wisdom. No longer need we blush and hide from our liberal gentile friends. Our mission had been accomplished.

But Oslo did not produce peace and our advice and counsel did not produce tranquility. Instead, Oslo produced a bloodbath and the adoption of our sage advice turned Israel into the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Who could have known? What do you want from us?

So get off of our backs. Of course we are not going to come visit Israel now, and we are not going to let our kids visit Israel either. Your damn country has become too damn dangerous for us. What are you, nuts? Risk our lives now? For what?

Who the hell told you guys to put yourselves at risk by following OUR advice? What the hell did WE know? After all, YOU guys live with the savages. You are supposed to know better. Leave us the hell out of it. When the terrorism ends, maybe we will come to visit.

Meanwhile we have more important things on our agenda. Affirmative action preferences for Cherokees and lesbians. Stopping school choice. Gay marriage.

Let's talk again in a few years. After you guys put your house in order!

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